I am fed up with this life and its struggles.

I am fed up with crying and laughing.

I am fed up with talking and sharing.

I am fed up with needing someone else’s approval.

I am fed up with disappointment and dissatisfaction.

I am fed up of people telling me it’s never good enough.

I am fed up of being told no.

I am fed up of the “yes” I must give to make somebody else happy.

I am fed up with the lies and betrayal.

I am fed up with the hurt that refuses to go away.

I am fed up with the memories I have and don’t have.

I am fed up of the unhappiness and the frustration.

I am fed up of the charades.

I am fed up of waiting.

I am fed up of pacing back and forth…wishing.

I am fed up with reality and fantasy.

I am tired of watching and not doing.

I AM FED UP WITH EVERYTHING!

Orange and yellow leaves shower city streets. Supermarkets sold out of turkeys. Crowded airports full of families flying in and out around the world. Musical jingles fill the air. The holidays are here.

A time to give thanks for the things and people you cherish the most. Christmas is not too far behind with the exchange of gifts and a big man in a red suit with a love of milk and cookies shimmying down the millions of chimneys. Anxious children cuddle up in bed curious about Santa, wondering if they were nice or naughty this year to get the gifts he’ll leave behind.

White flakes fall from the sky to usher in the winter season. Will it be a white Christmas? Who knows….what matters the most is sharing the moment with family and friends.

Put away your toys

before someone gets hurt.

Fix your bed.

Elementary.

Hang up your clothes.

Wash the dishes.

Junior high.

Do your laundry.

Keep an eye out for your siblings.

Be a role model, take look up to you.

You are the eldest.

Babysit. Babysat.

High school. 

Grow up and get a job.

Pay the bills.

Manage your finances.

Stay in school. You won’t survive without a four-year degree.

Graduation.

College.

Freedom?

Far from it.

Change the diapers.

Be a man and assume responsibility for your child.

Dad not a father. 

What kind of mother are you?

Balance the mortage and school tuition.

Tidy up, guests are coming.

Adulthood.

Beat, beat, beat

is the sound my heart

makes as blood rushes in and

out of the many veins and arteries

that help me live each day.

Dark clouds cover my once brightly lit horizon.

Sadness overpowers me and I am left alone to grieve.

What is this strange pain that I feel?

Out of the ordinary

yet quite normal.

I have felt this pain before, long ago.

Why has it come back?

Why now?

 How?

I just can’t understand.

Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Heartache.

Have I gotten over you or do I still love you?

 Why do I even care…you never did?

Blood trickles down my chest as tears flow down my cheeks after you tore out my heart.

Can I move on? When? How?

Will I ever love again? Who?

Will he be the same?

Tall, dark, and handsome…maybe?

 Will my heart ache once again?

Can I ever know the true meaning of happiness?

Answers and love are what I seek.

And yet my search is not over………………